I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.