100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.