Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
🛁
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen