i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
three things we don’t talk about
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok