[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
opening twitter today
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.