So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.