There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
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Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.