[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks