MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Jurassic park gets weird
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I think this cat is broken
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.