The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
mood
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.