its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Mood.. 😂
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.