My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Birds & Planes.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’