cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems