I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?