John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I needed a laugh this morning.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.