Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I was just discussing this with my cat
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Today’s Times
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it