9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult