I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
#DesignFail
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.