Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
You Might Also Like
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.