I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
listen closely
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.