Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.