Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious