I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
what it’s like dating me:
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand