I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.