Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of