me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
They grow up so quick
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get