There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection