me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
what’s really going on
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.