Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Remember folks 😂
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.