Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
True.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life