He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I don’t get marriage
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*