11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]