Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it