I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating