I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
this could fix me
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore