[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.