“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?