If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.