Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Midwest trash talk
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar