Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Bond. Trauma bond.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.