“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is