Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
guilty
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Meow?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.