“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?