When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
You Might Also Like
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.