Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My birth announcement for our third baby