Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
You Might Also Like
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’