I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
getting old is fun
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.