My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.