there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Florida man
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Education is vital
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.