Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Called it
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.